How can we become and stay connected? Part the first, self-connection
The ultimate connection
First morning with her new-born foal
Once we realize that connection is an important part of self-care and is currently something lacking in our lives, we reach the question of how to become and stay connected. Of course, there is no one way to become and stay connected, as it is an individual thing. However, it can be helpful to consider this from different aspects: connection to yourself, connection to the natural world or world around you, and connection to others. While I can’t address each of these in relation to your personal circumstances, I can share my own journey to connection. In this episode, I’ll consider the first aspect, connection to the self.
Knowing who you are and what you want can be incredibly difficult, especially as we tend to tell little porkies to ourselves so we feel better and don’t have to face the hard stuff. We also (knowingly or unknowingly) adopt masks or disguises when interacting with others, which can be for numerous reasons, such as self-protection, lack of confidence, to meet expectations, to avoid conflict/keep the peace, or just to get through the day. Sometimes we do this to maintain a pleasant—or at least less unpleasant—fiction for and about ourselves. Irrespective of why we do it, it is exhausting to maintain. This exhaustion gradually becomes the norm for our bodies and minds, and we remain unaware of how it is eating into our energy, health, and happiness.
I started thinking about this a few years ago when in my thirties. It came to my attention when I realized that I lacked confidence in many aspects of life, which was really holding me back from pursuing career advancement and from doing many things I actually wanted to do. I found myself at a point where my negative self-talk was fueling self-doubt and taking over my decision-making about my life. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be an artist but lacked the confidence as it meant “exposing” myself and risking criticism and rejection. I loved horses and wanted to ride, but lacked the confidence. I constantly worried about what others thought of me and tried to be who I thought they wanted. I realized that I was just going through the motions of daily life as an actor without really being engaged. I felt I had betrayed myself somehow, which, needless to say, let my self-doubt have an absolute party! Mostly though, I felt that I didn’t know who I was. I pondered on that for a bit, and found that I did know who and what I wanted to be. I’ll add here that I enjoy walking and had lots of thinking time while walking the dog, which I really tried to use constructively by daydreaming of my ideal life instead of as yet another opportunity to beat myself up.
I found a copy of “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron in a second hand bookshop. The questions posed in the book offer a guide to reclaiming your creativity. Not all of the book resonated with me, but one exercise that did was called morning pages. The point of this exercise is to spend a little time each morning writing in a stream of consciousness manner anything and everything that comes into your head in a sort of brain dump. For me, it acted to clear my mind of “rubbish” and allowed me room to find solutions. As it was sometimes hard to find anything to write about, I concentrated on writing down what I wanted and what I didn’t want. Over a few weeks I realized that I was also learning who I was. I stopped feeling at a loss or like a fake, and could genuinely engage in my own life again. I got the courage to stop worrying so much about what others thought. I learned to ride and bought a horse. I began to think of myself as an artist and talk about my painting. I felt a lot more whole and a lot more relaxed, like a burden that I didn’t know I was carrying had been lifted. I understood that I was finally connected within myself, which made a safe space for old hurts to fade and new opportunities to emerge. Because I felt connected with me, I made better decisions that helped me achieve what I wanted from life. I stopped feeling like I had to please others as a priority over meeting my own needs. And yes, I did have some people calling me “selfish” etc. because I no longer put what they wanted first. It still hurt a bit, but was not enough to make me give up my self-hood.
Although I no longer write morning pages as such, I still use the technique in an abbreviated form when I’ve got a challenge or a problem to deal with, want to achieve something in particular, or just to gain clarity.
I’d love to hear your insights about this process. What did you struggle with or find hard? What solutions did you come up with?
Note: this reflects my personal experience only and is not intended as advice regarding any aspect of your life.
